Have you heard someone share about the steps?

The Twelve Steps are a clear-cut pathway to shed destructive patterns and open up the hearts of blocked, trapped, hurting people to encounter the love of God. Not to intellectually comprehend God’s existence, but to truly experience divine love more and more and more. If you have a desire to hear more about the steps—whether you’re a struggling addict, a recovering addict, a friend or family member of an addict, or merely curious—I encourage you to listen to Buck M., a long-time member of Al-Anon who tells his story and outlines his practice of each step with beautiful humility. He describes how following this way of life has mysteriously led to his personal transformation: “I’m not what I ought to be, I’m not what I want to be, I’m not what I’m going to be. But I’m the best Buck M. I’ve ever had.”

I listened to Buck’s recording on a recent road trip and as he wrapped up his testimony, I found tears softly running down my face. His words brought my mind back to the not-too-distant days when I used to listen to online 12-step speaker tapes as I sat isolated and uncontrollably bingeing on food. I couldn’t stop stuffing my stomach to the point of misery, but even while doing so, deep down I knew it was actually a spiritual hunger that was rumbling within my soul. I sensed that my God was guiding me to join a 12-step program, but I was highly resistant, sure that pursuing that path was basically doom. Listening to speakers was the only action I was willing take at the time, and though I knew that both my body and spirit were withering, it still took quite a while until I desperately decided to ask for and actually accept help from other recovering addicts. That was by far the best decision I’ve made yet.

I’ve heard it said that the alcoholic’s excessive drinking is a displaced thirst for God and that when alchies start drinking from the truly satisfying Source, the spiritual results are powerful. I believe that. Buck’s story is evidence.

Today I’m rarely tempted by life-destroying substances—a priceless gift from above—but the underlying Al-Anon issues of codependency, self-doubt, people pleasing, approval seeking…those still give me much trouble. As I heard Buck share, I could feel my heart longing for the deep peace his calming voice carries. His God has led him faithfully through the great pain that accompanies alcoholism, and due to his continuous involvement with the 12-step fellowship, he’s also had the privilege to witness incredible miracles. I want what Buck has. Perhaps my heart is nudging me to seek some more teachers and ask for some more help.

“AA and Al-Anon and Alateen is the bread of life for the alcoholic and his family…So big is the human being’s soul that only God can fill it…Love is the one thing that God reserved to conquer every man…love is the one thing against which the hardest heart will eventually melt. And this is not theory; I’m sharing my experience with you.” (22:20)

Have you heard someone share about the steps?

When your feelings are crazy, how is your soul?

Up, down, and all over the place. My emotions can be messy and messy emotions sure can complicate relationships. Honestly, it’s hard for me to discern which emotional fluctuations are typical human shifts in mood, which are standard female hormonal changes, which are biological chemical imbalances, and which are just crazy irrational reactions that need to be recognized and reframed.

Recovery from addiction adds to the confusion. Letting go of soothing difficult emotions with a substance, becoming able to identify what’s going on inside oneself, learning how to communicate the feelings and respond appropriately—these are “growing up” processes that take time. Most people gain these skills in a pretty standard developmental pattern alongside their peers. For recovering addicts, however, acquiring these skills can be quite humbling because while our bodies may appear one age, our internal emotional maturity usually lags far behind. Maybe we can fake levelheadedness and propriety when our drug of choice is within reach, but take away the substance and our childishness and unregulated emotions usually can’t be contained for long.

To kick the maturation process back into gear, a person has to first let go of the substance and then let the not-so-fun “growing up in public” begin. Personally, I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have other recovering people gently and lovingly guide me along this path—one that has punctured my pride time and again. I’m slowly learning to chuckle when I see myself acting adolescent (or even younger) in certain areas of life, and to be grateful that at least I’m now headed in the right direction.

In a recent bout of being rather bonkers, I came across a passage from the Imitation of Christ that reminded me where to find my anchor during times of turbulence. Maybe I am crazy. But even still, Christ stays stable.

Chapter 33: The Inconstancy of Our Heart and Directing Our Final Intention to God

Christ:
Son, trust not to thy present affection, it will quickly be changed into another. As long as though livest thou art subject to change, even against thy will; so as to be sometimes joyful, at other times sad; now easy, again troubled; at one time devout, at another dry; sometimes fervent, at other times sluggish; one day heavy, another lighter.
But he that is wise and well instructed in spirit stands above all these changes; not minding what he feels in himself, nor on what side the wind of instability blows; but that the whole bent of his soul may advance towards his due and wished-for end.
For so he may continue one and the self same, without being shaken, by directing without ceasing, through all this variety of events, the single eye of his intention towards Me. And by how much purer the eye of the intention is, with so much greater constancy mayst thou pass through these diverse storms.
But in many the eye of pure intention is dark, for men quickly look towards something delightful which comes in their way. And it is rare to find one wholly free from all blemish of self-seeking…the eye of the intention therefore must be purified that it may be single and right, and must be directed unto Me, beyond all other objects that interpose themselves.

Consistently maintaining a pure and single focus? Not this sinner, not this side of heaven. But it’s surely a worthwhile goal to pray for and take steps towards—especially for someone whose emotions can be as messy as mine.

When your feelings are crazy, how is your soul?

What do you come with today, and what are you given in its place?

This week a grandfather figure of mine named Fred – a very special man who I meet with on a regular basis – said goodbye to a father figure of his own. After a lifetime of following Jesus all across the globe, his close companion James crossed over into eternal light.

James was a Methodist minister (who later converted to Catholicism) and he was also a recovering alcoholic. While serving in Hong Kong in the early ’80s, James celebrated his second sobriety birthday and that day he wrote a journal entry about his life experiences up to that point. The dearly loved man’s personal reflections – which echo the prayer of St. Francis – were printed in the bulletins of both of his Post, Texas, memorial services (one Methodist, the other Catholic). Fred brought me a home copy, and I now share it with you:

We all go on a journey, not always as we expect.
We come with our illusions, we are given our real life.
We come with our weaknesses, we are given new power.
We come with our pain, we are given peace.
We come with our complaints, we are given thankfulness.
We come with our guilt, we are given forgiveness.
We come with our doubt, we are given faith.
We come confused, we are given clarity.
We come with tears, we are given a song.
We come seeking forgiveness, we are called to forgive.
We come with tears, we are given a song.
We come seeking love, we are called to be loving.
James Bell
Personal Journal – May 15, 1982

How inspiring that even after his death, James’ humble and wise spirit – unquestionably intimately yoked with the Holy Spirit – doesn’t stop encouraging souls and spreading truth.

What do you come with today, and what are you given in its place?